I’ve tried and written about a lot of new things since I started this blog. Many have been experiments that came and went; but a few I’ve stuck with for weeks, months, or longer. The difference seems to be people-pleasing. In general, if I’m just doing something for my own benefit, it doesn’t last long. But if I feel like someone else needs me, I’m much more likely to commit.
I signed up for Spanish lessons, a writing group, and Aikido classes because I knew I’d be much more likely to show up if someone else was counting on me than if I tried to do these things alone. I’ve published a post every month since I started this blog because I pledged to my readers that I would do so. In most cases, it’s been a “win-win”: I’ve learned a lot, helped others, and made many new friends.
But recently, my people-pleasing tendencies blew up in my face.
Imagine if you spent weeks writing a poem for someone, you read it to them, and they told you they hated poetry. Or maybe someone asked you to wash their car, you spent hours making sure every inch was spotless, and they said the automated car wash could have done a better job. My experience was along these lines only on a larger scale–some people asked me to do something, I worked very hard to give them what they wanted, and they criticized the outcome.
At first, I felt resentful and I regretted the time and effort I had put in. I was able to salvage the experience a bit by reflecting and taking lessons from it. But that didn’t make up for everything I sacrificed in pursuit of people-pleasing.
If I could do it over again, I probably would, but with a different approach.
What’s in it for me?
There’s nothing wrong with wanting to help people. But if that’s your only motivation, you may be setting yourself up for disappointment. You can’t control how someone else responds to your efforts. No matter how hard you try, you can’t guarantee they’ll be happy with the result or show appreciation.
Instead, before you make a commitment to someone, give yourself permission to ask the question, “what’s in it for me?” It doesn’t mean you’re selfish. It means you recognize that your time is just as valuable as everyone else’s.
Maybe you can treat it as a personal challenge. Writing poetry can stretch you as a writer. Washing a car is good exercise. If you approach a task with the mindset that you’re doing something for yourself in addition to other people, even if no one else appreciates it, you can still feel like it was time well spent. There’s also a good chance you’ll enjoy the process more and end up with better results.
If you have absolutely nothing to gain, maybe you’re not the right person for the job.
I used to look at being a people pleaser as a personal flaw. Now I recognize that it’s just part of what drives me and I try to use that to my advantage by creating situations where I’m accountable to others.
But if you’re a people pleaser, perhaps the most important thing to keep in mind is that you’re a person, too, and you deserve to be happy.
Wise words. I know it’s always difficult to give something your all and for it not to be appreciated as you hoped it would have been. It’s great that you were able to learn from the experience and feel positive about your efforts even if they weren’t appreciated.
Along a similar but different line I have recently begun to realize that not everyone shows appreciation in the same way that I might have shown it. I’ve given up on thank you cards–a thing of the past. A quick text of thanks may be all I’ll ever see but I now know that not everyone lives up to my standards and that’s OK.